I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
