My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
