just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
