he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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