Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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