Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
