that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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