I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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