he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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