$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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