Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
