Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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