the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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