You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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