i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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