I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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