Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
