in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
