The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
