Heybabeimwearingurpanties
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
