just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
