she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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