hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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