He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
