she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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