Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
