you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
