cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
