I faked an abortion last night.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
