My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
