im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
