your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
