Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
