remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
