Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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