Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
