Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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