Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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