apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
