her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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