true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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