Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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