I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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