My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
