dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
