There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
