let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
