I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
