I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
