mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
