I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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